Top 10 Things That Pissed Me Off in 2008 by MGG

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1) Holiday Food

Fuck Holiday Food. I’m a physically active young person trying to maintain my girlish figure, and doing a hell of a job about it, and some bullshit holiday comes around where I am expected to eat shitloads of garbage. Why are we celebrating important yearly events by clogging our arteries? No, my friend, I don’t want to partake in some huge ass box of chocolates or whatever bullshit thing you baked. Plus, I don’t appreciate the assumption that I like baked goods, because I do not. I am constantly put in the position where someone is like “Hey I baked some bullshit, have some!!!”, and I have to be like “No thanks I just ate a granola bar, I’m all set.” Stop imposing on me, holiday food.

2) Girls Sucking Dildos in Pornos

I don’t get it. Who is this pleasurable for? That question is not hypothetical or rhetorical because there is a definitive answer: No one. If you’re a female pornstar, or involved in the creation of porn, let me impart this wisdom upon you: If you’re making a film where the chick is just going to dildo herself, I am fast forwarding through the part where she sucks the dildo. I mean, I have to hand it to the ladies, who do their best to act like sucking a dildo is really turning them on, but I see through the facade. It’s just killing time, and frankly my time is too valuable to kill. Side Note: Most pornos where the only action is a girl dildoing herself are usually dumb anyway. More on my porno complaints later in the list.

3) Sarah Palin Defenders

I’ve been writing on the internet for almost 8 years now in various forms, and I’ve learned that the best thing for me is to be somewhat apolitical, and just let the Brewdawgz handle any and all rant worthy issues. But, the Sarah Palin situation was absurd, and will be chronicled as absurd in history books. Sarah Palin may be a smart woman, although I would need some thorough convincing to believe that, but she was not prepared to be on a national stage in any way. She was a really, really bad politician. Yet, smart people insisted on defending her. They insisted on calling her smart, sassy, experienced, prepared, etc. And smart people will probably still try to say that. The reality of the situation is that she was, and is, probably over her head as a governor, and at a minimum a really bad public speaker. Her legacy will be that someone did an awesome impersonation of her, and she single-handedly turned a lot of GOP supporters against their own party. Unfortunately some really smart people decided to defend her, and that was a poor decision.

4) Wind

Wind is wildly underrated. I would argue, and do argue, that aggressive wind is the worst weather condition. Precipitation or temperature can be a bitch, but they can be addressed by clothes and other means. By that I mean, you can be outside in rain, snow, heat or cold and effectively address the situation. Wind, you are just fucked. If it’s raining, put up an umbrella. If it’s hot, wear less clothes. If it’s really windy….you’re gonna get your shit blown around. Wind is an unforgiving bitch and I will dedicate my life’s work to see that it is abolished.

5) People Who Don’t Understand the Meaning of the Word “Broke”

I’m sure that everyone’s job has been affected by the economic downswing, but I think there’s a pretty substantial lack of perspective on the whole situation. I personally don’t know anyone who lost their job. But I do personally know dozens of people, particularly my clients, who are apparently living off of saltines and tap water in a poorly constructed lean-to on government land. And by that, I mean, living the exact same lives they had in 2006, but with less extra spending money. As “Diamond” Dave Lee Roth once said, I “ain’t no man of the world”, but I’ve met some broke ass people. Like actually broke. As in can’t afford to clean themselves even though it is free. I’ve heard way too many middle class people whose 401k went from 100k to 50k claiming they can’t afford to live in today’s economy. Well, kind sirs or gentleladies, you are not broke. You are just hurtin’. And there’s an important distinction between hurtin’ and broke. When you lose your job and your house and are homeless, talk to me about how you are broke. But kindly please clean yourself first before we engage in that conversation. That shit is free.

6) Facebook

I don’t know what happened, but it seems like Myspace died a very fast, painful death, and now Facebook is the only acceptable means of stalking people I used to know in high school. This was unfortunate because my blog was on Myspace, I had figured out most of the in’s and out’s of effective stalking, etc. Now I am fully on board with Facebook, but it is WAY creepier than Myspace. Any time someone does something on Facebook, everyone instantly finds out. I’ve spent the better part of some days randomly scrolling through photo albums I have no business looking at all because some stranger tagged my friend in one photo. I’ve been aggressively using Facebook for most of the last four months, and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. So, F you, Facebook.

7) People Acting Shocked at “Fixed” Sporting Events

OMG Tim Donaghy! Steelers v. Chargers Week 11 game was fixed!!!!!! How could this possibly happen??

Um, sports have been fixed since they started in biblical times (I have done absolutely no research to back that statement up), and will be forever. People cheat at stuff. That’s a fact of life. And yet people are incredulous that this could possibly ever happen. I don’t care that people are pissed about it because it affects the integrity of the games, but I just can’t understand the shock and outrage. It’s really not that big of a surprise. And then the “how could this happen” analysis is ridiculous. It’s pretty easy to shave points in a basketball game or make a close call go one way or the other. It’s pretty much never going to stop, so stop being shocked about it.

8) The “Directly into the Ass” Cam (aka “bob shot”)

 

I’ve written about this before elsewhere, but I think I hate this more than girls sucking dildos. What in the hell is the point of pointing a camera directly into a dude’s anus during a porno? I’ve literally almost dry heaved at some of these scenes. It is flat out gross. I understand most pornos are a contest to see who can do the most positions, or have the wackiest camera angles, but this one seriously needs to stop. I am angry about porn on a daily basis and this has to be my biggest complaint. Someone do something!!! I am shocked and outraged!!!! How could this possibly have happened!!!!

9) Exclamation Points

I think that every effect that modifies the intensity of a word is someone pretentious in that there is an assumption that a normal reader wouldn’t know what words to emphasize, but exclamation points specifically grind my gears. I use them a lot, but usually in a sarcastic or ironic fashion (see above). I don’t like that exclamation points are so demanding in a “hey look at me” type of way. Bold, italics and underline are also in the same boat, but I think the exclamation point is the captain of that boat. Exclamation points, you need to settle down in 2009. Or else. (I would have used an exclamation point there, but it would have been contradictory)

10) Every Year End Top 10 List

I especially hate music top 10 lists, especially my own, because every now and then I go back and look at what I wrote, and it is just terrible. I don’t think I’ve ever read a year end top 10 list that I agreed with, especially this year. All the top 10 album lists have been awful. I love making lists, but I hate ranking things because it’s so arbitrary. On that note, I am done here. Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!

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Filed under Entertainment, Hyperbolic Opinions, MGG, Politics, Sports

Tags: christmas, happy new year, holiday, Music, palin, porn, Sports, top 10