An Open Letter To President-Elect Barack Obama:
Congratulations on your historic victory. You masterfully tapped into the desires of the American conscious to move beyond the tardy excesses of baby boomer politics that have paralyzed our government for close to two decades. But now you have to start embarking on the arduous task of governing.
As you transition from candidate to chief executive, you are about to inherent numerous domestic and foreign policy challenges that will require a competent and skilled cabinet. I am sure that you are getting advice from all corners of the political spectrum: some sage, some selfish, some strange and some idiotic. But let me add this to the chorus raining in from the peanut gallery:
Arnold Schwarzenegger should be the head of FEMA
I know, I know, I know…..what? But think about it for a minute and the plan starts to make a lot of sense. Who would the majority of this entertainment saturated public want to be in charge if an emergency was to strike our beloved nation? I know if I were in a dire predicament, I wouldn’t mind seeing a gigantic man- who reached the pinnacle of fame by having a tremendous physique and portraying heroes on the silver screen- descending upon the chaos offering reassuring words through a thick Austro-German accent. In fact, if Arnold showed up at an emergency I guarantee the majority of the public would be reassured that the problem was under control because for the past three decades we have all become conditioned to believe that Arnold will take care of any situation, and so far he has never faltered.
This is a man that came to America with no money and big dreams. He worked his body into perfection winning 6 consecutive Mr. Universes (the Super Bowl of body building competitions) then decided to become a movie star despite the fact nobody could understand a word he was saying or pronounce his last name. And you know what he succeeded and made Schwarzenegger a household name while marrying into one of the most powerful families in American politics. He is the American Dream!
Then when California was in a constitutional crisis, he entered into politics and won a special election despite only campaigning for a few weeks and, to the surprise of everyone, governed effectively and won a landslide re-election. This is obviously a man that is up for big challenges and destined to dominate big moments. Everything in his history suggests that he can accomplish any task he wishes and he has the natural ability to be a strong leader in moments of emergency.
Now of course, I understand that the you can not practically appoint a man to be in charge of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) based solely on exploits produced through the magic of Hollywood, but Arnold is beyond qualified for the job, especially when compared to head of FEMA during the New Orleans tragedy; Michael “doing a heck of a job Brownie” Brown, whose previous job before FEMA was a post as the head of an Arabian Horse committee.
As the governor (2x) of the largest state in our union (and the 7th biggest economy in the world), Arnold Schwarzenegger has dealt with dozens of state wide emergencies ranging from the budget to fires to draught. And every person from California that I know and have spoke with, liberal or conservative, unquestionably love and admire him.
Let’s imagine if Arnold was the head of FEMA when Katrina hit New Orleans. Do you think he would have acted so impotently? Do you think he wouldn’t have known that people were trapped inside the Civic Center? Do you think he would allow people to die because they couldn’t get drinking water? The answer to all of those questions is of course not. He is Arnold Schwarzenegger for Christ’s-sake. He would have hung off the side of a helicopter grabbing overweight African-American women off the top of submerged buildings and lifting them into the cockpit. He would have personally attempted to hold up the 17th Street Levee with his own hands. He would have diverted the Mississippi River so people would not go thirsty. Arnold would have handled it because that is who Arnold is; a man of bold action ready to lead when others are fearful, willing to be brave when others are timid, determined to maintain control as emergencies erupt, and those should be the qualifications for the next head of FEMA.
He could also add to your Doris Kearns-Goodwin fantasy of having a “Team of Rivals” because didn’t he call you “skinny and naïve,” question your fitness to lead, and threaten to make you do squats to build up your legs while campaigning for John McCain? And he would be another high-level bi-partisan appointment to a cabinet that you hope will transcend politics.
You also have made a big point about listening to people who don’t agree with you and not wanting “yes men”. Do you really think Arnold would ever be another man’s “yes man”?
But most importantly, Arnold would immediately change the culture, atmosphere and attitude at FEMA after the international embarrassment the agency suffered during Hurricane Katrina. He would challenge his employees to be “fantastic” and would add celebrity cache to the beleaguered institution. The American people would once again feel reassured that our emergency forces were being controlled by a man unquestionably ready for the task. Mr. President-elect surely you are uniquely suited to understand that perception determines reality and the benefits of a positive physiological impact upon organizations that have been marred by ineptitude can not be underestimated. That was the implicit message of your entire campaign.
Finally, let me ask you this sir, who would you want in control of a rescue operation with your life on the line, a career bureaucrat with an Ivy League education or the man who killed the Predator? The answer is clear; Arnold Schwarzenegger should be the next head of FEMA.
Sincerely
The Brewdawgz
2 Comments
December 12, 2008 at 9:09 pm
this begs the question: which job is more important, head of FEMA or governator of California? cuz if governator is more important, which i think it might be, he should probably keep doing that in light of your heaps of praise on him. that being said if Arnold was unemployed I’d 100% be on board with this. but he’s already doing a good job in an important position, I dont know why you extract him from that to do something else that might not be as important. AND if FEMA is more important than governor of California who replaces him?
as a corollary, i have no problem with any of the following being named head of FEMA: Ving Rhames, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Dikembe Mutumbo, or Fran Drescher.
December 16, 2008 at 8:56 pm
OH LOUIE YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY